Guest Post – Eli from Coach Daddy Talks Leftovers
That’s right. Leftovers. Food that was not consumed at some previous meal.
Leftovers are a reality in every kitchen. If you tell me you don’t have any in your fridge right now or that you never eat them, well, I would have a hard time believing you.
Moms love leftovers. At least this mom does. Leftovers give me a bye night in the kitchen. True, I love to cook. But sometimes I just don’t want to think about it. It’s hard to come up with great ideas every. single. night. And I have blog posts and kids’ books to write. When I ask the Hub for input, we often end up playing a down and dirty round of What Do You Want to Do About Dinner. So leftovers get planned intentionally here every now and then. Or every week.
I’m pretty lucky in the leftover food department. My family takes them in stride. Sometimes they give up a little “Huzzah!” when I say “we’re having the leftover ____” from the other night, especially if it’s Zilla’s favorite Swedish meatballs.
Or tacos.
Here to offer the Dad’s perspective on leftovers is my new-ish friend and awesome blogger, Eli from Coach Daddy. Eli’s posts are sometimes funny, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes poignant. His Go Ask Daddy and 6 Words features are fantastic. Please give him a warm welcome here and then go check him out over at his place. You’ll be glad you did.
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Leftovers. I know people who won’t eat them, under any circumstances.
I’ve refereed skirmishes that have broken out over whose leftover China Den is whose.
Leftovers. They’re polarizing.
They’re a cornerstone of human life. Since Ubod the Cro-Magnon failed to finish a side of mammoth in one sitting. (He saved the rest in the back of the cave). Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Redd Foxx and even Mitt Romney partook. Leftovers: Constant as death, taxes, and the raiders missing the playoffs.
In modern family life, leftovers fall into the dwindling domain of a father’s jurisdiction. You’ll find it in the Bylaws of Fatherhood. It’s right there. Next to “exterminator,” “cash dispenser*” and “rule bender.”
*- Not including dads whose finances look less like Mark Cuban’s and more like Argentina’s. You can’t squeeze sweet and sour sauce from an empty packet.
The Rules of Leftovers are unofficial and unwritten, well, until now. Here’s what you need to know about leftovers – from dad’s ornamental throne.
A
Asian calculation: If you want to ensure you eat the maximum sesame chicken out of your entree, don’t leave it to the Fridge Gods. A kid will scavenge your meat and leave you with rice and water chestnuts.
B
Bring it from the table: Dad will pick up your crayons and crackers, but your box of chow is your responsibility at the restaurant.*
*-Sesame chicken not included in this clause. Dad will hold it.
C
Corn chips: The worst possible leftover. Your delectable nachos become a soggy sack of limpness. Dig in and finish your chips.
D
Destructive Intent Waiver: Once a leftover food surpasses the threshold for safe consumption, use it as a weapon of mass destruction. Just don’t tell mom.
E
Empty container clause: If you eat 17 ravioli and leave two in the bucket, you’re required to eat tuna and crackers for your next meal. Finish the job, son.
F
Fancy restaurant: If the leftovers come from a swanky place – which includes premium burgers from McDonald’s – original eater gets rights of first refusal, unless you can be sly and stealth about it.
H
Hit Me Baby One More Time Act: Always – ALWAYS – ask for a refill of whatever drink you ordered. At $2.75 a shot, it’ll take at least four servings to break even. Do it for the team.
I
Identification advice: If it looks like one menu item, but is the color of another … just pass.
L
Look the Other Way Agreement: If your leftover box cubic space far outpaces your actual leftover mass, it’s customary to fill the space with a ‘souvenir’ restaurant glass or soup spoon. Don’t tell mom.
M
Microwave etiquette: If it’s stinky, don’t overdo it. Four minutes on high is way too long for twice-heated noodles and wasabi.
N
Nincompoop provision: No mercy or sympathy expected for the dolt who: 1) leaves her box of leftovers at the restaurant; or b) leaves his box of leftovers on the roof of the car.
O
One-week rule: I’ve read in National Geographic that organized Caucasian families have a color-code system to help keep leftovers from going uneaten. In our house, if it crawls (fast), toss it out.
P
Pizza Commandments: Thou shalt not strip toppings. Thou shalt not take the last slice without daddy’s blessing. Thou shalt not leave only crusts in the box. Thou shalt not leave empty box in the fridge.
R
Ribeye Rules: No one can eat any leftovers of a steak that costs more than $13 without written consent from the person who ordered it.*
*-Expect an inquisition. Ain’t no kid getting a porterhouse when dad’s footing the bill.
S
Serving size: There’s no such limit on leftovers. Ain’t no nutrition label. Just eat it – all of it.
T
Taste-tester: This would be dad. “Hey, is this Cajun turkey breast still fresh? I can’t read the year on the package.” No problem. Dad will bite a chunk. Watch for adverse effects.
U
Utopian World Order: Kids would eat last night’s chili and Tuesday’s pot roast before they fired up another plate of microwave chicken nuggets and a gargantuan bowl of frosted flakes.
W
Work fridge: This is the Wild West of Leftover Territory. Nothing’s sacred. Taking a bite out of your day-old Monte Cristo won’t deter a work-fridge hyena. These dudes are hardcore.
Z
Zero-soda Regulations: Dad knows you have water and juice and Kool-aid. Dad knows the level of his Coke Zero at all moments.
So endeth the reading.
Let’s eat.
What’s your family’s leftover story?
When he’s not fishing and waxing philosophic with one of his kids or trying his damnedest to keep them young, Eli Pacheco writes the blog Coach Daddy. Follow him on Google Plus, Pinterest and Twitter.
This is hilarious. I especially like being sly and stealth about sampling a family member’s leftovers from a restaurant. Like rearranging the food so it looks untouched. Bravo, Coach Daddy. Great post.
Heh, I may or may not have done that myself. Actually, here’s what’s true. When the Hub has leftover Chinese food, I just kind of pretend it was never there and he imagined it. 😀
Maybe the fridge at your house, Lisa, is more Wild West than the one at work! (This makes you the Poncho Villa of vittles).
I don’t know…is it Poncho Villa or is it just that I’m usually The One Who Knows All when it comes to the contents of the fridge. I can be very convincing when it comes to covering my tracks in the leftover Chinese department. Maybe you had that rice…and maybe you didn’t.
Thanks Valerie! Parents reserve the right at ‘taste tax,’ which can include a bite of a family member’s entree, or as much as 1/3 of it. The food rearranging though … pure genius!
That seems more than fair…I gave you life, you give me your food.
Great guest post! I especially enjoyed … Well, I can’t choose. There were lots of them that applied to us and made me laugh.
I know, Christine. There are so many good and true points in here. I laughed and nodded all the way through.
And you gotta love the Stormtrooper in the sandwich.
Lisa – that was a hamburger I ate in Mexico. I’m not proud that I ordered a hamburger in Mexico, no.
Wow, that’s gutsy, man. Great photo, though. So, I guess this means you take the troopers with you when you go out?
Thanks Christine! They’ve existed for generations, but no one has been brave (or foolish?) enough to publish them.
Look forward to checking out your blog!
Christine’s blog is terrific, Eli. Definitely give her a read!
This made me smile especially since it is my day to clean out the fridge around here. The pizza box rule hit home. We had a pizza box in our fridge yesterday with one TINY slice of pizza in it. I was not pleased.
Jean, do you take proper precautions when cleaning, such as a mask and industrial strength gloves? A single slice of pizza has a shelf life of about .17 seconds in this house. Unless it has veggies on it.
I’ll take that slice if you still have it …
OH that is annoying! See for one tiny piece of pizza, somebody should have ponied up and taken care of business.
What is it with restaurants charging $2.75 for soda? And then you go places (that rhyme with Old Chicago) and the waiter automatically brings new drinks when your kid is 2/3 of the way through the first one…not that I’m still bitter about that or anything.
This was funny! My husband, that cretin, will not accept leftovers in any form.
I absolutely hate when a new drink comes before the first one is finished. I don’t care if the refills are free or not – that just really bugs me.
My Husband is good about leftovers in most cases. In some cases, though, if it’s not something he particularly loved, it will languish there forever. Like the cabbage slaw I have to get rid of today…
It’s how they make the most money, KW. It costs them about 12 cents a shot, and then they water it down with ice, too. I waited tables at a place that would penalize servers if their water/patron ratio got too high. Sell those bar drinks, and as a last resort, soda!
Your husband is missing out on salmonella, for sure – but also some of the best warmed-up meals you’ll ever have. Lasagna, especially, tastes even better a day after it’s made, if you ask me.
Don’t most things like that taste better the day after? Lasagna, soup, most pasta dishes, stew…meatloaf. OK, pretty much everything.
I hate leftovers… and Derek complains all the that he is the one who always has to eat them!! Well, duh. That’s what the guy is here for…
I make lemonade with water and lemons and sweetener. I ain’t payin’ 2.75 for a pop. I have 6 2 liters at home for the same value.
Nice job Eli!!! Glad you made it Lisa’s!! 🙂
“That’s what the guy is here for…” LOL
OK, Chris, honey, you do know that restaurant lemons are filthy, right? Whatever you do, don’t put the rind in your water! Just eew.
Eli is wonderful and hilarious – so glad he came to hang over here today!
The dad is the human garbage disposal. It’s been this way since the Ottoman Empire. I love it when a server brings me much Diet Coke, but it doesn’t appear on my bill.
God Bless America.
[…] I’m at Lisa’s place, The Meaning of Me. I disclose a partial look at the Father’s Guide to Leftovers. Not the whole thing, mind you. Partial. Some secrets must remain secrets. But this will give you […]
We are not leftovers people here for the most part, but still Eli nailed it here with his etiquette if and when leftovers do have to come into play!!
File it for future reference, Janine. Thanks for coming over!
love the alphabet .)
thanks beth – i only wish i had enough for every letter!
Thanks for coming to visit, Beth. The ABC list makes for easy reference. 🙂
What a great post! We are big on leftovers in our house. I hear so many people saying that they don’t like them, but what’s not to like? Some things actually taste better the next day I think.
I never had a problem with leftovers, Dani. Maybe it’s all in how you present them. And I agree – many things do taste better after they have a day to kind of blend and marry all the flavors.
this is awesome!!! Wednesday is leftover night at out house as well as every man for themselves! And nothing stays more than a week I the fridge or is tossed when I go the store and must make room for the new stuff.
Hi, Kisma. We usually have one intentional leftovers or “on your own” night here. Really helps to keep things under control. I also toss anything questionable at about a week. If it hasn’t been eaten by then, it isn’t going to be. Ever.
Nicely done!
Seems like a list that needs to go on my refrigerator…once the teenager allows leftovers in this house.
Also–you are very kind for including the nincompoop provision just for me.
And, as recheck the spelling of “nincompoop,” it makes me think that you should address the origin and meaning of this word during your weekly Q&A session 🙂
Exploring ‘nincompoop’ would be a great topic! And really, what an awesome word.
Maybe I should just choose a few words and delve into their origin. Let me know if you think of any others! I’m going to toss this out in social media, too. Brilliant!
Thanks Michelle! Thing is, teenagers wouldn’t read the list if it was printed on the leftover pizza itself. My people couldn’t get your people to agree to terms to use your name for the nincompoop provision by press time, unfortunately.
I need to goad one of my kids into asking about nincompoop to get it into Go Ask Daddy. I think I’ll start addressing each of them with the term and wait for someone to ask.
So that’s how the Go Ask Daddy happens…! 😀
Michelle, thanks for coming!
As always, another hilarious post. I can always count on Eli to make me smile- even when I’m sitting in the Honda service department waiting for my hot seat to be fixed! Thanks Lisa and Eli, and my fav is the pizza commandment. (My hubby is right there with you.)
Thanks for coming to the leftover party, Julia!
That pizza one is important for sure.
Hot seat? I thought you said hot *plate*.
The rule is pretty simple in this house: all leftovers are daddy’s unless otherwise stated. yes, even the Kraft Dinner.
To be fair, it often ends up being his work lunch the next day. but if you were saving something, like….oh say a snack platter you had made for one of your kids class parties… a Post It Note is your friend. Otherwise it falls into the “leftover” category and will thus be consumed by hungry dad home from the night shift at 3 am.
The identifying note on food being saved is a must, Rorybore. Claim it or lose it seems fair!
My best bet is to write “Dad’s broccoli” on the styrofoam container if I hope to trick the girls. (It’s the Greenland/Iceland phenomenon, and probably should have gone on this list!)
This was fun to read!!! We don’t eat out very often so there aren’t as many leftovers from restaurants but we are big on leftovers. These days with 2 teenage boys we have less and less food left after a meal.
Thanks for coming over, Kim. It was indeed fun and informative as well. Good luck keeping those teens in food!
Boys, and the more of them, are nature’s garbage disposals.
Or is that just me?
So funny. I think all husbands/fathers are automatically given that taste-tester role.
It certainly seems that way!
I think in a past life, I was taste-tester for King Henry XIII.
Look forward to checking out your blog, May! Thanks for the comment.
Ah May’s blogs is one of my favorites, too!
[…] that very dirty topic: leftovers. If you haven’t read it, please go do that right now…click here. It’s fun and hilarious and pretty spot-on, if you ask me. There will be more guests post in […]
If it’s crawling, don’t tell the wife/mother/female person in your household that it needs to be thrown out. Throw it out! And when you realize it’s slimy and you ate some yesterday, be sure to aim for the garbage can when you throw up. If you miss, don’t tell the wife/mother/female person in your household that she has a mess to clean up. Thank you! 🙂
Hi, Jenn. Yes, aiming for the can would be appreciated, thank you very much! How about if you eat something questionable, don’t put it back for someone else to find and pass judgment on – toss it!
[…] for dinner. We served it with a seven-grain sourdough bread and apple slices the first night. On leftovers day, we topped it with herbed feta and […]