1000Speak – Nurturing the Self
No one wants to be called selfish.
We want people to say that we are generous and other-centered. We want people to call us kind and compassionate. We want to actually be all of these things. We are taught that it is good to be selfless.
But we misinterpret that.
Look at the word – selfless. Look it up. You’ll find the definition “not selfish.” But this definition also appears: “concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own.”
Wait, you say. That’s a good thing. The needs and wishes of others should come before our own. That makes us a good person. As far back as the Puritans, the quality of selflessness and a spirit of compassion is touted as something good, even sublime. Contemporary figures like Mother Teresa of Calcutta remind us that this is still a good and right way to live.
But somewhere along the way, we allowed ourselves to think that our own needs don’t matter, that being selfless means that we are less important than the rest of the world. And that leads to troublesome thinking. Nurturing others to the point of neglecting ourselves serves no one.
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Consider the teaching of Jesus Christ. In the Gospels, Jesus tells us, “You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Jesus actually quotes Leviticus in telling us this (19:9-18). If you examine these lines from Leviticus, you’ll find some very specific directives about how to treat others – how to love your neighbor as yourself. The Ten Commandments offer us similar guidelines for our interactions with other people.
So what’s my point?
If the call is to love your neighbor as you love yourself, and we know that the expectation is to be kind, compassionate, and generous with others, then it is understood, it is expected, that we are behaving in a manner that is consistent with being kindness, compassion, and generosity to our Self.
I don’t know where or when I started thinking of the Self in terms of a proper noun. I may have learned it from Walt Whitman. It could have been Ralph Waldo Emerson or Henry David Thoreau. Maybe it was all of them. The reason I use that capital in my thinking and writing is that the Self is important. The Self is who we are, what we believe, what we think, how we feel, who we are to become.
Some might say to elevate the Self to proper noun status is presumptuous or egocentric.
I say not so.
Too often we believe things about ourselves because someone else told us they are so. We become something or do something or think something because of a particular outside influence. While learning from the experience of others has its merit, there is only one way to truly discover the Self – and that is to look inside.
Emerson talks about how to trust yourself to determine your ultimate destiny, not to rely on the opinions of others. Thoreau certainly put that thinking into practice during his time at Walden Pond. Whitman follows suit and explores the many facets of Self in his Song of Myself. There are many more.
So how do we nurture the Self?
Is it taking a bath? Going for a walk? Drinking a glass of wine? Getting enough exercise?
These are good possibilities.
Is it singing or dancing or drawing or writing? Is it planting a garden or tending a farm? Is it designing a building or a park and overseeing its construction?
Perhaps.
Is it working or playing at something so fully that you feel complete satisfaction in your exhaustion? Is it prayer or meditation?
It might be.
The truth is that only YOU know how to properly nurture your Self. It is different for all of us.
For Jonathan Edwards and Benjamin Franklin, Nurture came in the form of self-betterment. Edwards and Franklin each, in their own way and their own time, sought continuously to improve themselves – to build the Self. Edwards, despite the admiration and respect of his congregants, felt himself lacking in spiritual strength. Franklin desired to better himself in all ways and developed a plan for achieving moral perfects.
They aren’t the only ones – they are just a few. So many men and women over the centuries have sought ways to become a better Person, to grow the Soul, to develop the Self. But it all comes down to the same basic idea, doesn’t it?
Over the next month, I will continue to write on what has become my 1000Speak theme – the concept of self-compassion. The Self is important. The Self deserves to be nurtured and cared for. In my writing here, I will explore different ways to do this, elaborating on some of the names and ideas mentioned here in this post as well as others.
Join me, won’t you?
Join me in exploring ways to nurture the Self so that in turn we can nurture the people and the world around us.
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This month, 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion continues to work toward a kinder, more compassionate world as we share our thoughts on Nurturing and the broader topic of compassion. Write a post relevant to this month’s focus – Nurturing – and add it to the link-up right here by clicking the blue button below. Your co-hosts for the link-up are:
American Indian Mom, Finding Ninee The Quiet Muse, Chronically Sick Manic Mother, Just Gene’o, Driftwood Gardens,Getting Literal, Head Heart Health, The Meaning of Me, Paper,Pen,Pad, Blogitudes, 1000Speak,YvonneSpence
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21 Comments
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I love that you’ve chosen self-compassion as the theme for all your posts! I so agree that we tend to put ourselves last because we’ve been taught that to concentrate on ourselves is to be selfish! I think ‘selfish’ should stop being used as a negative word! If we don’t take care of ourselves first, the desire to help others wanes exponentially!!
Thanks, Roshni. I don’t know that I intentionally chose the self-compassion theme. Rather, I think it chose me! But the more posts I read from others and the more I talk with others, the more I see that there is a great number of people who find self-compassion difficult and want to work to change that for various reasons. It’s such a simple statement, but so true – if we don’t care for ourselves, we can’t care for others.
If a lifeguard needs to save someone, he must make sure he himself is kept above water.
Excellent post. the “as you love they self” is so often overlooked. 🙂
That’s a great analogy, Serins, and absolutely true. I like that one. Easy to think about it in those terms, but harder when it’s time to consider our own well-being.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this Lisa! I love all the references you used… and the insights you share from them all.
If we empty ourselves, to give to others- there is nothing left to give. I have struggled with this for years up probably until around 40. And I still struggle with it at times!! I’m getting better at setting limits in my giving, my serving, my doing for others… I nurture myself in many ways- but most of all, I make sure to set limits on the giving and sharing of my time and effort, so I can use those two things for quiet restoration in my Self. (With a capital S!)
You shared such a profound post here. It is truly a critical piece to our peace.
Thanks, Chris. I think that’s what I’m working toward – a better peace in those moments I sit alone with my Self and with God. It is such a delicate balance, isn’t it? Caring for others, caring for ourselves, making sure it all works the way it needs to. I really do think that so much of it comes down to what we do in our quiet moments. Think about Mother Teresa, for example. She served others tirelessly. But in order to do that, she had to be happy and healthy and overall I think that was very true of her life.
Thanks for thinking my words are profound. 😀 I don’t know that I intended to be so, but I’ll take it!
You bring up some very valid points here. I relate this to parenthood as well. We tend to give all of ourselves to our children until there’s nothing left. What we need to do is show them by example how to love and nurture ourselves because of course we want them to do that.
Jen, that’s very true. And what do we accomplish by running ourselves ragged? We teach our children that this is how it works. It is very true (and I realize how true more and more every day) that our children learn by our example – for better or worse. What we do and how we care for ourselves, for others, and for our world is how they learn to be. I would never think of asking my Daughter to work herself to exhaustion and never rest or recharge. So why do it? It’s illogical when you look at it from that perspective. Our actions carry great weight.
I love A Song of Myself and Walden Pond. Great post on nurturing and compassion, all roads leading back to compassion for oneself, first and foremost.
Thanks, Kerry. These are some of my absolute favorites, the writers I turn to over and over again. You’re absolutely right that it all comes back to being compassionate with ourselves. The strange and sad part is that so many of us do not remember that. Perhaps that is why I’ve ended up writing so often on this idea. I know there are many besides me who will benefit.
Loved your take. I have written about self compassion too. You are right. We do tend to think about others first. But with my personal experience, I have changed that outlook. I do take care of myself and do what I enjoy. I need to love myself before I can love others.
Thanks, Rachna. I haven’t been around to all the other posts yet, but I’m working on it. Looking forward to reading yours, especially since we’ve chosen a similar topic.
I hadn’t thought about compassion/self-compassion with the “love your neighbour as yourself” quote. It’s a very good way to put self-love into perspective.
So many women I know certainly treat others better than themselves (at times myself included) and forgetting yourself in that equation never ends well.
Glad to give you something new to think about, Louise. It was kind of an “aha” moment for me, too. (Or a “duh” moment!) 😀
A whole series of posts devoted to self-compassion! I like that idea, Lisa. And it’s not only striking that balance between giving and receiving that can be a challenge. Simply remembering to nurture ourselves can be half the battle. That’s why I think we can’t have enough articles on the topic out there. I look forward to seeing what else you write about for this!
Hope you’re doing well, Lisa. I’ve kind of fallen out of the #1000Speak loop because of the different writing projects I’m doing. So it’s nice to stop by here again. 🙂
Hi, Sara! I’ve dropped out of many of my loops lately – so much going on! 😀 Good to see you!
I’m amazed at how many people are interested in the self-compassion discussion. Clearly, it’s something we need to pay attention to a bit more. Now that I’ve kind of established this, I do hope I can continue to find the right words for each month’s topic! I do hope to continue, though. I am slowly but surely working on reading this month’s posts – I’ll get over to you soon!
Lisa, I’m so glad you’re continuing to explore this theme. I know many people, including myself, who need to indulge in a little more self- compassion. Just the other day, I sadly looked through an old sketchbook, remembering the me who used to be an artist. My artistic endeavors went away after child #4. Perhaps I need to give myself permission to draw again. I know it’s what feeds my soul.
Thank you.
Hi, Julia. I’m so glad this topic has touched you. I offer a resounding YES to anyone who wonders if they need to give themselves permission to nurture the Self more. It’s important. Yvonne Spence, one of the group’s founders, compared the idea to the logic of putting on your own breathing mask before helping someone else with their. It makes sense, right? Draw away!
Now, on the topic of what feeds my soul, it is words. That reminds me that I have not been to visit your blog in far too many days!
I can’t believe I’m still catching up on reading blog posts from the last round of 1000Speak! I really enjoyed this post! I hadn’t made the connection between love your neighbor as yourself. So obvious yet most of us miss what it actually means! I also believe that we teach our children by example – so if they grow up seeing us nurture ourselves they will hopefully be more likely to follow in our footsteps and do the same for themselves. (BTW, I wrote on self-nurturing too.) Great post, Lisa!!
Jackie, I’m still picking my way through them, too! It’s been a crazy few weeks around here.
Thanks for your sweet words, Jackie. I love this theme of self-compassion and have carried it through all of the link-ups so far. Planning it again for next month, too. You’re so right that our children learn from what they see us do – or not do. I’ll be around to see yours eventually – but I promise I WILL get there!
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