FTSF – Epic Diaper Fail: A Babyzilla Story
When the timing is right to jump into something, you know.
Sometimes you just need the right combination of factors to fall into place together to make you say, “OK, it’s time to try this.” I have been reading posts here and there that link up to Finish the Sentence Friday, currently hosted at my friend Kristi’s blog.
I thought it might be a cool thing to do on several occasions, but…I didn’t. But when I read some of the posts from this week’s and saw the topic, I knew I had a trick up my sleeve that would be perfect.
I’m running a previously-written post that I used for a completely different writing prompt link-up, but I’m OK with that and I think you will be too. From the moment I hit publish, it was my all-time most popular post and remains in that spot to this day.
So here it is…my epic fail. It’s not a personal one so much as a situational one.
But it’s hilarious. Go ahead and read. And I’m sorry about the lack of pictures…as you get into the story, you’ll thank me for going words only, I promise.
When I think of an epic fail, this story comes immediately to mind…
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There are some family stories that become legendary the moment they happen. They are the stories that are so completely unbelievable, that they simply have to be true. You know the kind – the ones that make people say “wow, you can’t make up stuff this good.”
It’s true – you really can’t.
Being a new parent is all kinds of wonderful and horrible wrapped up in one sweet-smelling little package. Nothing quite prepares you for the sleepless nights or the number of diaper changes that one small little person can rack up.
When Kidzilla was born, Fab Hub and I were lucky enough to have some time off together to get to know our Baby Girl. At the time, we were both teachers, and Zilla was born right smack at the end of the school year. We had all summer ahead of us to rest, recover, and figure out what to do with this beautiful and energetic little package we brought home from the hospital. Perfect.
All too soon, though, it was time to head back to school. We knew it had to be done, but in many ways, we were nowhere near prepared for both of us to be thrust so abruptly back into our full-time routines plus run the gauntlet of new-parent experiences. During that first week of school, we were both all kinds of tired and at least one of us was stressed beyond belief trying to figure out how these new roles were all going to work together with the old ones and whether or not having two working parents was going to scar our child for life.
About two days in, Kidzilla was having a particularly rough night and needed some late-night attention. Or was it very early morning? I guess it just really depends how you look at it. Anyway, after a fast game of Rock Paper Scissors, the Fab Hub (because he really is just that Fab) took a turn at heading down the hallway to tend to Kidzilla. “Go back to sleep,” he said. “You need the rest. We’ll be fine.”
In my half-sleeping fog, I heard him pad down the hall, pick her up, and whisper to her. Yawn. I heard them settle into the rocking chair and get comfortable. All seemed well and perhaps I drifted back to sleep. And then…
“Zilla! Nooooooooooo!”
I jumped out of bed and flew down the hall to find the Fab Hub looking with horrified surprise at the child in his arms.
“What’s wrong?”
“She pooped on me. It’s evvvvvryyyyyywheeeeeere!”
And indeed, there was a sizeable amount of slimy wet baby poop outside of Zilla’s diaper and on her Fab Dad. I thought he might just cry.
Now, not everyone is so terribly upset by a little baby poop on their person. It happens. In my family, there’s been a baby around on an average of every five years from my Mom right down to the youngest great-grandchild who is now just a couple of months old. A poopy baby diaper is standard drill. It’s important to note here, though, that the Fab Hub hadn’t exactly grown up around small children and his experience with babies, diapers, and poop was limited to the three short months of Zilla’s life thus far. He was a willing partner in the diaper-changing responsibilities, but this little diaper fail was a whole new experience for him.
I quickly took Zilla off his hands. He must have been in shock, because he just sort of stood there looking stunned and asked, “What do I do?”
I suggested he shed his soiled garments and take a shower. He proceeded to strip on the spot.
“Not here!”
“Well where?”
“In the bathroom! Where else?”
“Oh, OK.”
And off he went…all the way down the hall, through our bedroom, and into our bathroom dripping little blops of baby-rrhea all the way instead of just going the five steps to Zilla’s bathroom right next door.
(palm to forehead here)
Figuring we’d deal with that little problem after we got Zilla cleaned up and back to sleep, I went about the business of peeling off her messy clothes and cleaning her up. No problem, right? Not so.
“Zilla, no! Oh nooooooooooo!”
The Fab Hub came running down the hall at top speed.
“What happened? Is everybody OK?”
And then he saw it.
There was baby poop everywhere. You see, in the midst of the poop and the stunned husband covered in said poop and the total new-Mommy exhaustion, I failed to remember one very important detail. If a baby has just shit herself silly, it’s probably a good idea to cover up her precious little tuchus while cleaning her up. Just in case.
Zilla had, of course, pooped at precisely the moment I grabbed her little feet and lifted her butt up off the changing pad to wipe away the last of the first poop. Please note that when a baby has a bowel movement of the baby-rrhea variety in this position, what you get is projectile poop. Forceful projectile poop. Poop that sprays out of the baby with such power as to burst forth in an arc-like path hitting every spot from said baby to the changing table, the lamp on the changing table, the wall next to the changing table, the floor, the rocking chair, the floor on the other side of the chair, and finally the closet door on the opposite wall of the room. Miraculously, the only thing in the room that was untouched by the arc of flying poop was the Mommy, frozen in place watching it sail overhead.
We both stood in stunned silence, our mouths wide open. It was our first week back to work, we were exhausted, Zilla was (clearly) not feeling well, it was 2:30 in the morning, and our Daughter’s bedroom was covered in poop.
We burst out laughing.
I can only think that we did so because if we hadn’t, we would have sat right down and cried. As we laughed, I looked over at the Fab Hub and discovered that the man was naked. Remember, he had gone down the hall to take a shower when Zilla let loose poop number two.
“Hon. You’re naked.”
“What?”
“You’re naked.”
He checked. He was indeed naked.
“Oh, OK.” And off he went, presumably to get dressed and find cleaning supplies.
I got Zilla cleaned and settled in her crib and the Fab Hub returned with cleaning supplies…sponges, brushes, Clorox wipes, carpet cleaner. He brought an arsenal.
“I didn’t know what we’d need so I brought it all,” he said.
Good call. Zilla cooed pleasantly in her crib while we got to work on the room…we wiped down the table, the lamp, scrubbed the walls (oh, did I mention they were painted a lovely shade of eggshell?), wiped down the closet doors, went after the upholstery on the rocking chair (tan, by the way)…we worked for more than an hour and then turned to the carpet (yup, also tan). We discovered, too, that there is such a thing as too much Resolve carpet cleaner and it is nearly impossible to get rid of all those suds. We were both down on our hands and knees at 4:00 AM scrubbing the daylights out of the carpet and found ourselves laughing once again.
My heart swelled with love. We were both pitching in to deal with Zilla and the poop. We were not crying or screaming at one another. We were going to be OK. I looked over at the Fab Hub, wanting to say something, only to discover that he was down on his hands and knees…scrubbing away…still completely naked.
“Oh my God! You’re still naked!”
“What?”
He checked, found this to be true, and yelled “holy shit!”
And that was the part where we lost it completely.
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OMG Lisa!!! This is incredible and perfect and just wow. I’m seriously cracking up over the fact that your husband was still naked!! HAHA and that you didn’t notice until you’d been scrubbing for so long! Love it love it!!
Such an awesome Epic Fail that is also full of sweetness and love. Thank you my awesome friend for linking this up to Finish the Sentence Friday!! <3
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*still laughing*
It is one of our best stories, Kristi. My Hub re-read it just now and was laughing through it – and he knows the whole story! I said to him, “I’m still sorry that you have to be naked in this story. But you were and it’s what makes the story over the top hilarious.
It was a sad night…but one of our fondest memories. I think that was the night we really understood that we were in this parenting thing together, no matter what kind of shit that might mean. 😀
Oh my gawd that is a good, I mean bad, no I mean nasty story! Zilla must DIE when you tell it:)! But I did indeed laugh. I had a similar experience with vomit (minus the naked hubby:))!
Allie, it is all of those things wrapped up in one grand package! You know, I honestly don’t think we’ve ever actually told Zilla that story. But I think we’ll have to keep that one in the file for when we need a good one.
Love love love this story and the way you tell it, Lisa! To find the humor in a stinky situation is just fantastic. Thanks for linking it up to FTSF! I Look forward to spending more time at The Meaning of Me :).
Hi, Nikki and thank you for coming over! I just knew I had to share this story – and it was definitely a stinky situation. 😀
Glad to have you on board!
Super funny! Thanks for sharing! I totally get the perils of poop aspect of it — although my boys were more of the “Look at this arc of pee I can make!” I got used to having an extra diaper around for a while to keep damage to a minimum. It got to be automatic for me. But not the FIL, at least at first. Number one son tagged him right in the eye.
He learned.
(see you next week on FTSF!!!!)
Thanks, Anna, for reading and the great comments! Never had to learn the art of avoiding pee arcs here, but that is also a necessary skill for sure!
Looking forward to more FTSF’s!
This was just hysterical, a calamity of errors and omissions (emissions?), that left me laughing out loud. Be sure to save this story for Zilla when she is about to become a Mom!
Emissions – ha! Definitely. ‘
Yes, this is one of our all-time favorites. Right up there with the time we changed her pants in a parking lot. Both are great for her when parenthood hits her world!
This is perfect and beautiful! Poop stories are the best. I have picture of me after an impressive leo moment, but it’s got nothing on yours.
I have never had anyone call this story perfect and beautiful! 😀
*dies laughing* OHMIGOSH ZILLA NOOOOOOOOOOO!
*still giggling*
You and Fab Hub are a great team. And you’re right – this helped 😉 Thank you.
I thought it might. 😉
Ha! I am literally laughing out loud over here! What a great memory for you and Fab Hub, who is indeed fab. I remember those first baby months and how much my hubby and I got to know each other better, even though we’d been married for five years already. There’s nothing like a good baby-rreah to bring out the best or worst in people!
We have learned so much about one another through this gauntlet called parenting. I definitely think that little diaper episode helped me see what a truly patient and willing parent my Hub was going to be…and I was right. He’s been very hands-on about everything, poop included.
I loved this story the first time I read it and I love it now! I think anyone who has “been there” will love it doubly!
Wow, are you reading here that long? 🙂
Hahaha how funny! Thanks for putting a smile on my face this Monday morning 🙂
Glad to give you a smile, Dannii. It’s a fabulous story – still funny after all these years and always gets a laugh. Cracks me up when I read it, too! 😀
I LOVE THIS STORY!!! I know the entire thing and I still laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes…again. And…I am finally caught up on the blog, thank you snow day. Clearly we need a date. Photos, Facebook….I know it is snowing here but is it also snowing in HELL?? But I absolutely agree that 1000 Voices is a perfect impetus to join the world of social media. Miss you lots. Enjoy your snow day at home with Zilla! I can’t wait to hear the reaction she has to this story the first time she hears it.
Oh my goodness…could it be? My long lost friend I never hear from? Wow. Yup, snowing in hell. 😉
Meanwhile, it’s a great story and every time I read it again it cracks me up. My Husband was in tears, the poor guy. Some stories are just legendary.
LOL! Wonderful story. I just shared it on twitter. Way to go with the teamwork. I don’t think I could have survived with or without help. Well definitely now without. I fortunately never had that kind of poop disaster – it was always contained in the diaper. Whew!!!! Now barf is a-whole-nother story 😉
Thanks, Kenya! I was kind of amazed that we managed to muddle through, but it was Zilla, poop, and the two of us in the middle of the night. Time to pony up and be the parents! And honestly, I’d rather have poop than barf any day. 😛
Oh my! Laughing so very hard!
Funny enough the first time my husband changed a diaper n°1 pooped all over him too. He was panicking and screaming “what do I do?” The nurse (this was when I was still in hospital) just looked at him and said: “you let her finish, put her in a new diaper and clean up”.
Sounds about right! While I grew up with younger siblings and cousins and gained some diapering and puking experience, the Hub did not have that. At. All. So all of the things that babies do and all of the things that babies emit came as a bit of a shock to him. He had a true baptism by fire…or by poop, really…and has been knee deep in the muck of all things dads have to deal with since.
I vaguely recall one of us calling my Mom that night – or perhaps it was some other – and asking that same question, “What do we dooooooo?” Mom answered with something really pragmatic and direct like, “Clean it up.” 😀
This is a laugh or you’ll cry story while it was happening. And I bet you can’t wait until Zilla has her first child so you can tell her Fab Hub about it. (laughing while I’m typing).
This is definitely one of our best, Val. And yes, we had to laugh so we didn’t cry. I was a WRECK that week when this all happened. I was absolutely not in any condition physically or emotionally to go back to work, but there I was, trying to do it. This was unbelievable. But now we still laugh uncontrollably when we tell this one. My poor Hub can’t read it without cracking up so hard he can’t breathe.
This is definitely on reserve for Zilla for one of those perfect moments like the first time she calls me in the middle of the night to tell me her babyzilla did this sort of thing.
Oh do you know how much I needed a good laugh like this???
This is hilarious.
I can’t believe that he was still naked and cleaning. Now that is a trooper…pooper scooper trooper. Hahahah…
Oh man.
Hi, Kimberly. Yes, naked. He is definitely a trooper and he was definitely exhausted, so I suppose that’s why we didn’t quite realize he was still in such a state of undress.
It is a hilarious story…glad to give you a laugh today!
BEST. STORY. EVER!!!!!!!!!
I can picture it ALL…. well, I didn’t picture your hubs naked – I PROMISE!! lol
This should be in a movie or a sitcom… ya know? You wrote it so well!!
Thanks, Chris. And too funny. It really wrote itself – good stuff does. You can’t make up stuff this good. 😀
Howling here. Simply howling. Oh man does this take me back to that delightful evening when my little lad shat all over his dad in the nicest upholstered chair in our house. Baby poop all over him, all over dad and all over the chair. It managed to work its way deeply down between the seat and the arm. Ever so special. All three of us were amazed. The saving grace? Laughter.
Yup, that’s about what happened here. It was…everywhere. The only thing to do was laugh and it has remained one of our best parental bonding moments ever. Of course we haven’t hit the teen years yet, so we’ll see what happens!
I think every parent has a good poop story, but yours is the best (or worst?) I’ve heard! But since you laughed, I’ll laugh, and hope you don’t have a similar story involving vomit…
Thanks, Dana. We laugh about this one often. And no, we do not have a vomit story of the same caliber. Nothing tops this!