Grounded

When I chose my word of the year for 2020 – grounded – I didn’t think the universe would take it quite so literally.

My original intention for the year was to remember to live life purposefully, rather than react to it. To find ways to process and savor life, to find the things that keep me balanced, sensible, and connected to the world around me.

Well.

Since mid-March, we’ve been in COVID-19 lockdown/quarantine here. I haven’t seen the outside of my house save for some neighborhood walks and time in the fields behind our house. The cats have no idea what day of the week it is (but do they ever?) and since nobody leaves, they don’t know when it’s Monday so they can spend all day napping to recover from us being home all weekend. Zilla was already a cyber-school student so OK, that adjustment was easy. My husband is doing all out-of-house runs for groceries to protect my vulnerable self and our daughter. It’s a love/hate chore, but mostly one I enjoy doing myself. I miss that. Husband has worked from home before and yes, I’m glad he’s not in a germy office, but now he’s here every. damn. day. We’re bickering a lot, but maybe that’s just normal. As Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolias, “I’m just screamin’ at my husband; I can do that any time!”

The Internet tells me I’m supposed to emerge from the lockdown knowing a new language, developing new skills, or finally having completed manuscripts of the book projects I’ve been alternately working on and putting off for the last few years. I understand that my house is supposed to be spotless and germ-free. I’m supposed to have caught up on all of those long-forgotten house projects that live on the list taped to the kitchen cabinet door. I now have all this free time to catch up on unwatched shows and movies and read all the books on my TBR pile.

Pfft. Screw that shit.

Am I keeping up on the cleaning and laundry as much as usual? Nope. Am I working as much as usual? Nope. Am I sleeping more than usual (which isn’t all that much to begin with)? Nope. I’ve had more middle-of-the-night text conversations with my sister in the last two months than I can count.

You awake?

Duh.

OR

I’m STILL awake dammit.

SAME.

OR

I had the weirdest f—ing dream…

OMG me too! Also, Twister is on CMT channel right now for the sixteenth time this month. 

Or some variation of the above.

Have I learned to speak or read Latin? Worked on that scrap rag rug project? Cleaned out the closets or the garage? Nope, nope, and hard nope. We might be spending a few more hours watching TV, playing video games, teaching our kid to play poker, staying up too late, and sleeping in later than usual, though. We’re good there.

Don’t get me wrong – life hasn’t totally gone to the dogs (er, cats) here. Again, Zilla transferred to a cyber-school in September, so except for a couple of days while the governor and the DOE figured out the rules about how to proceed minus all of the in-person activities, etc., her schooling has been uninterrupted. The husband has worked from home on numerous occasions due to bad weather and driving conditions, etc., so that wasn’t a complete unknown. AND his job is not in jeopardy. I already work from home. We have been able to get most supplies we need with minimal complication or inconvenience and the things we can’t find, we do without or we figure out an alternative. Believe me, I realize I am speaking from a place of extreme privilege. We are blessed and we are grateful. Don’t think for a minute that hasn’t prompted many hours of insomnia and guilt in addition to the prayerful gratitude. It has. Big time. Overall? We’re doing OK. More than OK.

But have I maintained my focus on remaining grounded?

Meh.

That is my first response. But after giving it some thought, maybe I’m doing better at staying grounded than I think. I needed to remind myself that staying grounded is not necessarily about doing things in a familiar way. Staying grounded is about making deliberate choices to stay balanced, doing what is sensible for a particular set of circumstances.

I’ve continued to spend time in my kitchen pretty much the way I usually do. I love to cook and while I can’t change the outside world right now, I can continue to prep and plan and put a meal on the table for my family. That feels comfortable and stable to me. With the prohibition of large public gatherings right now, we can’t go to Mass or church/synagogue events in person. Holy Week and Easter and Passover came and went without family gatherings and church services. But in the midst of that disappointment, I absolutely was able to remind myself that the first occasions of Easter and Passover did not pass with flowers, dress-up clothes, church services, and extended family gatherings. They happened in the midst of darkness, fear, and loneliness. And when I considered that, I felt OK about experiencing those events in a different way. In some ways, I was able to focus more on what they are really all about.

We keep to as many activities as we are able, even if they happen remotely and via computer screens. But they happen. We stick to as much of a routine as possible. But when that routine feels like it isn’t the right answer, we make a different choice. I love to cook, but if takeout seems like the better option, we have cheesesteaks for dinner. I’ve been grateful for my regular writers’ group chats. But if chatting about how to __________ (fill in the blank) during the pandemic isn’t what I need, I opt-out.

And so through all of this, I think the lesson for me is that staying grounded isn’t about staying the same or remaining consistent if that is not what serves my needs. Remember, Emerson wrote, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds…” Doing the same just because it seems right doesn’t mean it is right. More often than not, staying grounded – like so many other things in life – is about being honest with yourself, being compassionate with yourself, and forgiving yourself.

I have a long way to go. Not just in this current crisis, but in general. We all do. And that’s OK. Right now I’m just trying to remember to ask myself, what do I and my family need? What is sensible and balanced? What is the purposeful and deliberate choice? And I’m trying to remember to breathe. Such a simple and obvious thing, isn’t it? But how easily we forget to think about it. Remembering to focus on something as natural and basic as breath helps.

And hey, what works for me may or may not work for you. That’s OK, too. You do you. Find the things that make sense to your soul. Find what grounds you.

Stay safe, my friends, and stay well.

xo

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Joining the crew over at Finish the Sentence Friday this week. Hop over to Kristi’s blog to check out more posts by following the link right here.