Self-Love is Hard; Self-Reproach is Easier – A #1000Speak Post
Let me tell you something about self-love:
Self-love is very difficult to practice when you’re feeling down on yourself.
![20150214_024309[1]](http://themeaningofme.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/20150214_0243091-e1423901164556.jpg)
It should come as no surprise that I’ve opted for the self-compassion route again this #1000Speak link-up – that’s been my focus all along. Of course, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve actually contributed an original post… I’ve been very busy letting life get in the way and finding excuses not to post and link-up…
It won’t be good enough…
I have nothing valuable to say…
I can’t write about what I’m not doing well myself…
My words don’t matter.
I’m willing to bet that you have said or thought at least one of these in your recent past. I know I have. I know many who do. But why? Why do we so readily find ways to opt out? Why do we work so hard at explaining our failures before we even make an attempt?
For me, it’s fear. Take the words ‘I’m afraid’ and put them in front of any one of those sentence starters up there – or any one of your own creation. Go ahead. Notice what happens.
I’m afraid my post won’t be good enough.
I’m afraid I nothing valuable to say.
I’m afraid to write about what I’m not doing well myself.
I’m afraid my words don’t matter.
It’s so much easier to criticize ourselves and keep that negativity to ourselves than to admit we feel that way. Admitting fear and uncertainty is hard – it’s really hard. And so may be these excuses are just a way to cover that fear. But without admitting that fear is present, without adding those words “I’m afraid” to the front of our excuses, those negatives statements so easily become our truth. And if you allow that negativity to become your truth, self-reproach is not far behind.
Have you ever found it difficult to love yourself? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered what other people see? Why they love you? I’m willing to take another bet – that at least one person reading this has felt that way. I have. Maybe for you that day was a long time ago; maybe that day is today. Somewhere in your past there was a day when you were filled with self-reproach, with anger. Maybe you even hated yourself for a while. Where did that lead? It spawns more fear, more uncertainty.
I should have…
I didn’t…
I can’t…
I failed…
Have you ever used used words like these? I have. Recently, in fact. And I’ve very quickly found that they accomplish nothing. They only serve to worsen the situations that prompt them. Moreover, I realized that we can insert a few more words in front of these statements.
People will think I should have…
People will say I didn’t…
People will think I can’t…
People will know I failed…
You know what? Maybe you did fail. Maybe I failed, too. Failure is part of life and without it, how can we ever understand or appreciate the sweetness of success? Maybe we didn’t do this or that. So what? Do it now. Try again. Do it differently or better and learn something in the process.
In the end, does it really matter what people think or say about you? OK, we all like to be praised and seen in a positive light. That’s fair. But if we can’t see ourselves that way, how in the world can we expect anyone else to do it? If we can’t love ourselves, how can we ask anyone else to find us lovable?
[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@LisaMeaningofMe”]If we can’t love ourselves, how can we ask anyone else to find us lovable? #1000Speak[/tweetthis]
It’s illogical. To ask any other human being on the planet to think well of you or love you when you can/t or don’t or won’t do it for yourself is simply unreasonable. It’s not the world’s job to bolster your self-confidence or make you feel loved. It’s your job. It’s mine. I am the only person responsible for for making me feel valuable, worthy, and loved.
A few things in my life aren’t quite going the way I’d like right now. I’d like to be thinner. I’d like my house to be cleaner and more organized. I’d like to see a whole lot more tangible reward for my self-employment efforts.
What I’ve been doing with that lately is finding every way possible to beat myself up about all of that. But it has to stop. It has to stop because it’s accomplishing nothing. I tell myself I don’t deserve to take care of myself, to rest, to do something just for fun because I haven’t knocked out the goals I’ve set for myself yet. That’s like saying an athlete can’t take a drink of water because he hasn’t finished the race.
And it has to stop because my daughter hears it. I would never allow her to engage in negative self-talk and defeatism about the things she faces in life. I would never tell her she couldn’t have a nap or a snack because she hadn’t finished growing up yet. I would never tell her she didn’t deserve love or reward.
So why do we allow myself to do it? Why do any of us?
Because it’s easier to hate than to love. It’s easier to make excuses and assumptions based on fear and it’s easier to point out what’s wrong than to focus on what’s right. And we all know how many ways that thinking rears its ugly head. No wonder we have so much conflict and hate in the world. Too many of us find self-reproach and hatred easier than self-love and compassion. If that is how we treat ourselves, that is how we are going to treat others and so it should come as no great surprise that we have problems like gun violence and all manner of prejudice and so many other evils hanging over our lives.
That’s why we’re all here; that’s why we’re working toward a more compassionate mindset and a more compassionate world, one small choice at a time.
And so, as I’ve said in so many #1000Speak posts before, it starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with every individual deciding to choose love, not hate, and the first person we have to choose to love is our Self. Start loving yourself and see how much easier it is to love someone else.
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Kayso I cannot FRIST here, because it told me my comment was TOO SHORT?!?!?! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT! *huffs*
It did what???? Too short? That’s a new one. Must be some setting I don’t know about…please come back!
Lisa, your post hits on so much of my own reality. I am going to challenge myself to say only nice things to and about myself in my head. When I find those negative messages speaking their ugly voice, putting myself down, hating myself for not being more than, I’m going to do a “yeah, but” kind of thing and change the words in a positive way.
It’s hard, Val. Really hard some days. I’ve been doing a whole lot more of the self put-downs lately. And when I hear myself doing it, I think “really?” I know better. I wouldn’t tolerate someone else doing it to themselves. Why is it so hard to believe in our own self worth? It’s not like no one ever supported me or told me positive things – I have always had love and support and positive encouragement from those close to me. And yet I don’t seem to believe it? I don’t know. Maybe it’s like Julia Roberts’ character said in Pretty Woman – the bad stuff’s easier to believe. But that is SO harmful. Let’s agree to be kinder to ourselves together! xo
I was just watching a forum on Criminal Justice Reform and President Obama said something that sounds a lot like your post! Of course I cannot remember the whole thing, but as soon as the transcript is available I’ll be back with the quote.
In the meantime, you are so right, I need to try harder.
Get out? Me and President Obama have like minds? Who’d’ve thunk? Yes, please come back with the quote and a link, please!
You already know I love this post, but I wanted to comment here anyway. What I really, really love about it is the way you looked beyond the self-critical thoughts and added “I’m afraid…” so it takes everything much deeper. It also gives you the chance to let those feelings go! I also liked the way you noticed the “People will think…” thoughts. So much of our self-hatred is driven by wanting other people’s approval – which is kinda crazy when you think about it! 🙂 I agree with you that it’s not other people’s job to make us feel loved, but our own. It’s a big deal to realise that, and then to work towards self-kindness.
One thing I find really helps when I notice these thoughts is to thank them or love them. They are the mind trying to help us, even if it doesn’t do a very good job. The more we fight these thoughts, the more they stick. This approach does seem counter-intuitive, but it’s not really, and recently I even read that is backed by science! When we punish ourselves with negative thoughts that activates the flight-or-fight response, and fighting those thoughts just adds more to it. Whereas if we are loving towards the negativity, we reduce that effect and so can calm more easily. (I have been working on a post about this, but it’s not finished.)
I think it’s necessary to look beyond the surface statements, Yvonne, because it’s very likely true that there’s more going on for the individual than we would perceive – even with ourselves. We worry so much what others will think and we’ve been conditioned to think that we need that approval to validate us. We don’t. And we all need to decide that’s true. But it’s so very difficult to do…even when we know it isn’t helping us to be so self-critical, we continue to do it. Why? Maybe we figure if we criticize ourselves and believe those statements, if someone else makes them it won’t hurt as much? Or then we can say, “See? I already knew that.”
I can definitely see your point about acknowledging these thoughts. I have a hard time imagining thanking them or loving them, but I see what you mean by that. I’m going to attest to the theory having some weight because lately I’ve been doing so much of this self-criticism and self-hatred crap and you know what? It’s making me think in ways I wasn’t and trying new things to work out of a situation. I know that sounds confusing – I’m so tired tonight! But I definitely see the logic and I’m very interested to read more – looking forward to that post and I’d love to see the literature you read.
Haven’t been over to your #1000Speak post yet, but I’m getting there!
Lisa, I think it’s *because* we don’t allow ourselves to love or approve of ourselves that we look for that approval from others. The more we are self-loving and self-compassionate, the less we need others to affirm it for us. Certainly that’s my experience, anyway – where I am hardest on myself is where I look most for approval for others.
It’s interesting that you have noticed changes in your thinking and finding new ways to do things during this time of self-critical thinking. I wasn’t really meaning that we should pay attention to the content of the self-criticism but rather thank the intention – but it sounds as if you are managing to find some benefit even from the content, which is great!
The book where I read about that fight-or-flight aspect of this is “The Mindful Way Through Depression” by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but it’s very interesting. (I’m not depressed, but have family members who are, and I have been in the past and noticed I retain some of the thought patterns, especially when stressed.) The writers are a mix of psychiatrist, psychologists and mindfulness teacher so it’s a balanced mix and really useful book. I’ve found it helpful for supporting family members.
I’ve read tons of other books around this subject. Self Compassion by Kristin Neff had a big impact on me. (She has a website selfcompassion.com where you can do an assessment to see how self-compassionate you are. I scored fairly high last time I tried it, which wasn’t always the case. All of Byron Katie’s books were helpful to me – “I Need Your Love – Is that True?” is one of my faves. Her books are all about noticing your stressful thoughts and going through a process to turn them around – you do need to do the process fully otherwise it’s possible to turn it on yourself, which is not the aim.
Mostly though, I use a process called the Sedona Method, which is a very gentle releasing process. I went on a retreat last month and am doing a tele-course with teacher on sustainable success just now, both very helpful. I really love the teacher’s approach because it is so gentle and about being kind to yourself and welcoming what is here now, whilst also deepening honest self-observation. (If you want to know more, then message me.)
I’m also taking Fiona’s Write out the Heart course just now! That’s helping to bring beliefs and their source into awareness. I had a big release this week when I realized I was holding beliefs that have been passed down through generations of women in our family. Where I grew up it was a very unbalanced society and women didn’t even go to funerals until about 25 years ago. (I noticed you said in a comment that your parents gave you love and support, so thought you might be interested in this – a lot of the beliefs get passed on to children unconsciously.)
I’ll stop now before I write a blog-post of a comment! Hope you managed to get some good rest last night.
I think you’re probably right, Yvonne – we don’t allow ourselves to feel good about ourselves (for whatever reason) and so we look to others for that approval. Maybe the internal logic is that if someone else approves, then perhaps I’ll give myself permission to do the same. It’s hard to know where it comes from – a real chicken vs. egg scenario – and I’m sure it’s different for everyone.
Thanks for sharing your story, your thoughts, and your resources here – I appreciate it! Definitely going to look into some of these.
I find the self-love thing difficult but I find it much easier to love others…
I know. But I do think it’s worth shooting for. And you do love others so very well. <3
Well GOOD! I’m glad I love well 🙂 I like knowing you think that 😀
xo
Many women feel this way and it makes me sad that they do. Very sad.
Carol, I agree. And you know, some of the women who feel this way most often are women who look like they’ve got it all together. Proof that we just never know what goes on inside another person’s head and heart. Thanks for coming over! Looking forward to reading your post.
I went through exactly the same process when writing my #1000Speak post this month. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one – and reminding me to forgive myself.
There are many who go through the same, Liv. Kind of what pushed me in that direction. You’re not the only one for sure!
The subtopic for this month is love and I was surprised so many people struggled to write about that one. There is so much that could be said about love, but it is what you say here. So many people say negative things about themselves, put themselves down, and think they don’t deserve love. We all deserve at least that. You are right.
I think how we interpret and talk about love is so different for every one of us, Kerry. And there are so many different kinds of love in our lives. I just focused here because my #1000Speak efforts have all been focused on self-compassion so far. Call it a theme! But I do think many people struggle with the concept of deserving love. That’s a huge insecurity for many people for so many reasons. But hey – the best thing I’ve seen come from it is people recognizing that they need to be kinder and more compassionate toward themselves. If we all work on that a bit, the rest will come.
*sigh* it’s so easy for us to criticize ourselves, sometimes brutally, because we’ll actually take it and believe it! I love all your points of us being scared and insecure and always wondering about other people, when we should focus on ourselves and our happiness!
Fear and insecurity cause us to do a number on ourselves sometimes, Roshni, that’s for sure! Maybe if we think about what prompts us to think that way about ourselves, we can work toward stopping it.
Haven’t hit your post yet, but I”m looking forward to it based on title alone!
I can relate, Lisa, thank you for articulating this so beautifully.
Judging by many of the #1000Speak posts I read, Gulara, I think many of us can relate. Thank you for your lovely compliment!
[…] even written on this before – check out my #1000Speak post on self-reproach and fear here.) Fear can either mobilize us or paralyze us and I know I would do far better overall if I would […]