Ten Things I Love/Hate About Me

Know that saying, “The more things change, the more they stay the same?”  It’s actually a French proverb, attributed to French novelist Alphonse Karr.

An often-debated topic is whether people can actually change or whether a person’s nature is constant throughout his or her life.

In considering this question, I thought of several things about my Self that are either the same – or different – than they were at some other point in my life.  Some things reach back into the far recesses of memory and childhood; others only as far as last week.  In each case, I found myself wondering what, really, was any different than it is today?

For example…

1. I used to be afraid of the dark.  What kid isn’t?  Maybe it was because I had a pretty strange love of horror movies.  At some point in my early twenties, I stopped watching horror movies because I was too bothered by them.  This change of interests may have started around the time I got my own apartment and started living alone.  I’m not afraid of the dark anymore.  Of course, I never watch horror movies, either…perhaps because I know I’ll end up being awake all night.

2. As a child, I was afraid of the water.  I learned to swim very late compared to most other kids.  I have a vivid memory of falling into the shallow end of a swimming pool when bending over to fill a small plastic bucket when I was really small.  I remember looking up and seeing my Mom and Grandmother standing in the water above me as I floated for what seemed like forever.  In reality?  I am certain that I was pulled right back out as soon as my little Self plunked in with them.  I am not afraid of water now.  But I can tell you this…I do not enjoy being wet.  So maybe that pool incident had nothing to do with the whole swimming issue.  Maybe I just didn’t see much need since I didn’t enjoy the whole soggy thing.

3. I have always been a voracious reader.  I can remember more than one person telling my child and teenage Self to take my nose out of my books and do something in the fresh air.  OK…reading on the porch is good, too!  I can’t say that I devour books with the speed of my youth.  I find that I am often too caught up in other things to sit and inhale books.  But then again…Kidzilla and I read at least ten of her books a day or more.  I read countless things in magazines, on the Internet, for my day job, and yes, occasionally for pleasure.  So do I devour fictional novels the way I did in my youth?  No.  But I do still read them?  Of course.  And a hundred other different means of reading that I would never have imagined as a child.

4. I was not athletic as a child.  You know, second-last kid picked for gym class teams and recess yard games…right on up through high school.  But in my twenties, I discovered that I quite enjoy breaking a good sweat, just not in the traditional manner.  I can’t say that I am a fan of organized group sports or activities.  But those that allow me to work at my own pace, in my own time, and in the privacy of my own home?  Yes, that I enjoy.  So, much like the swimming issue, it may be that I had not yet discovered the type of physical activity that I enjoyed.

5. I was a perfectionist as a child.  Or maybe the word I want here is overachiever.  One thing I remember specifically was putting my hair in braids or pigtails and making sure there was not one bump or kink to be seen.  It had to be perfectly smooth.  I also did not like things out of order, missing pieces to games, wrinkled clothes, low grades in school, not finishing a book in one sitting…the list goes on.  At some point after I started living on my own, I started to leave my bed unmade and my undies unfolded.  Dusting and vacuuming?  Forget it.  But the older I get, the more I realize that I do indeed like things in order.  Maybe I had to go through a phase of rebelling against the perfection I imagined was expected of me.  Maybe I was just really really busy thinking about other things for about fifteen years.

6. I used to be a big fan of television.  I could probably tell you what was on any channel on any given night of the week, whether I watched it or not.  No, my Mom did not let us watch endless hours of TV – but we did enjoy some on a fairly regular basis.  When I lived alone, I had the TV on pretty much all hours that I was home and awake.  It was background noise; it was company.  It also provided a little bit of light and comfort for those scary dark nights!  But over the last ten to twelve years, my interest in TV has dwindled to nearly zero.  I do enjoy movies and will watch one intentionally on occasion.  On nights I can’t sleep, I do turn on a late-night Friends or Frasier re-run.  But other than that?  I honestly couldn’t tell you anything about the current shows – or even what they are.

7. I never liked small children.  Honest.  I did the requisite teenage stint as a babysitter for a few neighbors’ kids, but it was a job, not a love.  I never found little children terribly adorable; I did not ooh and aah at other people’s babies or pictures of cute babies dressed in silly costumes.  And if we’re confessing all, I never really thought of myself as the mother type.  My interest in having children was only piqued when I met Fab Hub and we began talking about sharing a life together.  Guess when it’s right, it’s right.  Having a family with him was the only time I imagined myself as a mother.  And now?  I adore my Daughter.  Being her Mom is the best thing I am.  I cannot begin to imagine life without her in it.  Everything in life takes on a new and different meaning…holidays, princess movies, faith…all because of her.  I still don’t like small children as a whole.  There isn’t enough treasure on the planet to entice me to be a Kindergarten teacher.

8. I have always been pretty shy.  Most people who know me will not believe this statement.  Those few who really know me understand that it is true.  I have conditioned myself not to let it stand in my way, though.  I have managed to give talks and speeches in various settings over the years.  I have taught other people in various capacities.  I have been a performer on stage more than once and have sung a solo or two.  It doesn’t change the fact that my stomach feels like there are bats flying around inside and my entire body shakes before I do these things.

9.  I have always loved music…playing it, listening to it, singing it.  Music has always been a part of my life.  I am told I was a pretty decent player in my youth.  I do not actively play any instrument, although I do miss it terribly.  Perhaps a time will come that I will allow my fingers to dance across the keys again.  (Frankenfinger is going to have to heal a lot more first, though.)  I often have a song stuck in my head…sometimes more than one at a time.  I have been known to break into random song when one fits the moment and I often find myself whistling a happy (or not so happy) tune as I go about the business of my day.

10.  I have always loved words.  The written and spoken word is just as beautiful to my ears and to my heart as music.  To me, words are music.  Fab Hub tells me that I think in words rather than ideas.  He’s correct – I absolutely do.  I have ideas, of course, but I am not a conceptual thinker.  Rather, I am a verbal thinker.  Truth be told, I sometimes see actual words in my mind when I am trying to work through a problem or find a way to express myself to someone.  So ending up with an English degree is not so surprising, I guess.  Finding ways to put my words to use comes naturally to me.  It is rare that I am rendered speechless.

Bonus honorable mention: I believe that I was a stubborn child.  Hmm…yeah, that’s still the same.  But I can tell you now that I understand a lot about myself as a person that leads to that personality trait.  I can list ten different synonyms for stubborn if you like…words that are much more complimentary and have a much more positive connotation.  Oh, wait…that just goes back to number ten.

I am certain that there are other things about myself that have changed over the course of my life thus far.  But whatever personality trait, habit, or interest I call to mind, somehow even the changes seem somehow familiar and steady.

Perhaps what is more accurate is that while I continue to grow and change throughout my life, I am really only discovering the Self that has always been Me.

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