What I Have Learned from Experience
As we drive home in the afternoon, I often ask my daughter, “What did you learn in school today?” Lately, her answer is “the usual.” And so I have to prompt her a little to be more specific – what is “the usual”?
“Oh, math and English and spelling…same as always.”
“Well what kind of things did you learn in math?”
This will usually elicit more detail and I’m glad to hear her itemize the small parts of her day, to hear her be attentive to detail about the time she’s spent. Some days she tells me she doesn’t remember what she learned that morning. OK, that’s fair; some days I don’t remember what I had for breakfast. Or if I had breakfast. At least (so far) she hasn’t told me she learned nothing.
How often do we minimize or discredit what we’ve learned from an experience?
As parents, we teach our children by modeling behavior. When we talk with Zilla about things that have happened in her life, we do some role playing and have her try to view the situation compassionately from multiple angle rather than to judge. We often ask her, “OK, so what have you learned?” Her answers are surprisingly insightful.
When given the opportunity to think through a situation, to empathize with another’s position, it’s much easier to answer the question, to have someone guide us toward that realization, than it is to asses a situation on our own.
But we don’t always have those prompts when faced with real life and that’s where learning self-reflective behavior is good. In fact it’s imperative. In order to truly grow as human beings, we must put self-reflection into practice. We must be able to not only understand a life experience, but also understand what we can learn from it.
[tweetthis]We must be able to not only understand a life experience, but also understand what we can learn from it.[/tweetthis]
In his book A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers, Thoreau tells us: “Knowledge can be acquired only by a corresponding experience. How can we know what we are told merely? Each man can interpret another’s experience only by his own.”
How true is it that no matter how often we hear something, we don’t truly understand until we’ve experienced it personally? For me the last year and a half has been eye-opening in that regard. I have faced surprising and unexpected challenges in the pursuit of my goals and I’ve learned a few things for certain as a result:
You cannot change people. You may get them to change their habits, perhaps. But ultimately a person will not change unless it is their desire to do so. and if that happens, you won’t get a vote.You can only choose to disassociate from the situation if that is a healthier option. You can only control your own decisions.
You will not hear an apology from someone who does not believe they have done anything that warrants one. Don’t try. Move on.
It does not matter what other people believe. Whether complimentary or not, what other people think of you is simply their opinion. What you think about yourself matters a whole lot more. Just make sure you are thinking clearly.
Everyone has days they believe only the worst of themselves. Self-doubt is normal; self-brutalization is unhealthy. When you find yourself awake at night questioning every choice you have ever made, do some self-assessment, re-focus on your goals, and screw your head on straight.
Life is hard. Even the most exciting or desirable pursuit will still hold challenge. There will be days you wonder why you thought your goal was a good idea; remember the reasons why it is. If it is your passion, do not give up. Strap on your crash helmet and keep going.
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This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday prompt.
This week’s sentence is “In 2015, I learned….” or “The one thing I learned in 2015 is…”
Our host, as always, is Kristi Campbell of Finding Ninee, and our co-host this week is Kerry of Her Headache. This week’s sentence thinker upper is Vidya from Collecting Smiles.
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Your second point about expecting an apology is something that I have learned the hard way over the last couple of years. Telling myself to accept an apology that will never come has helped me to distance myself from feeling like I have to people please too. People seeing this other person for who they really are definitely helped me validate my feelings too.
It’s hard, isn’t it? We want to feel validated by having someone apologize for what we see as wrong behavior toward us. And maybe it truly is. But if the other party doesn’t see it that way, well, we’re hoping in vain. Perception is reality and that affects both sides. I understand what you say about having others see the other party the way you do – that it validates your feelings. It’s sad when there’s dissension, of course, but that bit of agreement from someone else makes you feel at least like you aren’t totally insane. Thanks for coming over!
What a great post. Wonderful (if painful) lessons. I’ve often wondered what would happen if people reflected more on what they’ve learned on their journey, rather than stubbornly clinging to what they think they know. Does that even make sense?
Hi, Lisa! So good to see you here!
Yes, that makes perfect sense. People in general do cling fast to what they think they know, as you said. And that’s the key – they think they know something and can’t/don’t/won’t accept that there may be another way to see things. Some of the great writers and thinkers set aside time every day for thought and self-assessment and reflection. I wonder at what point in time we moved away from a way of life that made those things important.
Thank you, Lisa. Love the “Strap on the crash helmet and keep going.” You’ll laugh – this is my third time to attempt a comment. Doing on my phone and I keep messing up, resulting in comment vanishing. However I cannot give up! Your words are inspiring. Off to share.
My phone behaves badly where commenting is concerned, too. I’m just happy you don’t get dumped in spam anymore! See? Never give up!
I’m glad my words inspired you. And thanks for sharing, as they say. 🙂
What an insightful post, Lisa. I know I have wasted time worrying about others’ opinions of me, when I really shouldn’t care. They aren’t people who are important to me – why let them take up negative space? Thanks for reminding me of that.
Thank you, Dana. I think we all do that more often than we ought to. And you’re right – the time and space can be spent in better ways. Hope you’re having a great week!
I can’t tell you how many times I have told my kids to quit worrying about what others think about them, because the answer is they DON’T; they’re too busy thinking about themselves! Great read, Lisa!
Yup, that’s what my Grandfather often said. You are a wise woman!
And thanks! 🙂
Also? I am thankful that your comments no longer go to my spam!!! 😀
Awesome reflections here, and you are so right that taking time to reflect is important. We can’t just go helter smelter through life without thought to what we are doing or why, or what effects it has on not only ourselves but others! I love that you are teaching your daughter to think about her choices and experiences. This will help her so much as an adult! “Strap on your crash helmet and keep going” is a visual concept I love, and I will remember it next time the going gets rough, as it so often does! It reminds me of that photo we’ve seen of the mouse in the football helmet going after that cheese in the trap! This was a great post Lisa. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get by for a visit.
Well, we can go through life that way, but the results could be very damning.
When it comes to handling these things with Zilla, we always try to think what is the best way to teach her not necessarily a right/wrong answer, but a best way to handle a situation like this, a life skill that she can apply now and forever. That will help her in so many ways. Here’s hoping it’s a good approach!
I think I know the photo you’re talking about! Funny!
No worries, Josie. I know where to find you and I owe you a visit, too. xo
So true that other people’s opinions of ourselves don’t have really much to do with us!!!
My Grandfather used to tell me that. He was a great one for putting things in perspective and reminding us that other people worry about what we do far less than we imagine they do. Humbling.
Love that the “nothing” answer to the “What did you learn in school today?” lives on.
🙂
So glad you were able to write one of these and link up this week after all.
🙂
It truly does, Kerry. Some things never change. 🙂 And I’m very glad I made it in, even if at the last minute. I slipped my TToT in at the very end, too. Tomorrow, now that I’m feeling a little better, I’ll be around to catch up on reading everyone else.
I love the analogy to strap on the crash helmet. We really can’t go tip toeing around our dreams hoping we won’t get hurt. We just gotta dive in a hope for the best.
You’re so right, Kenya. If we act timidly, we are unlikely to move forward. I think hope for the best sometimes has to be the mindset – we can’t always know how things will work out but if we never try, then we gain nothing at all, not even experience.
Wow. This was so important for me to read right now. Self-assessment – objective self-assessment, if that can be done – is what I need to remember on a daily basis. I just happen to be the type of person who is plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and everything in life plays into it. Stepping back and saying – wait a minute, where am I in my life? – goes a long way in getting my head “screwed on straight.” Such wise words here. Thank you!
Andrea, I’m so glad this touched you. I think that self-assessment is something we all need because it’s so easy to forget and so easy to slip into those feelings of inadequacy. I really wish that weren’t true – but it is for so many people. Seems really backwards, doesn’t it? And I definitely agree that everyday life really does a number on us, throwing all kinds of curve balls and obstacles at us which can certainly make us feel like we just can’t keep up with all that comes flying at us. At least I know I feel that way. So for today, I will try to sit quietly for even just a minute or two and try to find a place where I can see the positive, see what is going just fine, and not dwell on the rest.